I am writing after many moons of intending to write since November but ya know, sometimes what you think you should do goes head to head with what life is actually putting in front of you. Some times things just aren’t in the flow. A couple months ago a dear old friend of mine from Seattle came to visit and we met up. He is a wise, good humored soul in his 70’s and something he said to me really stuck out. He said something to the effect of, “I am excited for you to get to a time in your life where you don’t feel like you have to push so hard at everything.” It caused me pause. He hit the nail on the head.
He has witnessed me while traversing through challenging times: my father dying, taking my 19 year old sister in, seeing my sister through an abusive relationship and having babies in her early 20’s, taking the leap to be self employed, and many more subtle things that I couldn’t have seen from the inside. Since a young age and a lot of traumatic losses and experiences, I have always had this sense of urgency about life and my heart’s calling. While this can be the gift of loss at an early age - the ability to understand the preciousness of life and to proceed accordingly - it is best tempered with a sense of calm, and doing things when the timing is right as opposed to pushing and struggling to make things manifest. I have done a lot of pushing. In truth, at times it has served me well. I have found myself to be very capable of bringing dreams to life. And I have pushed myself despite the yearnings of my soul, caused myself unnecessary burn out and ill health mentally and physically. This is the precise reason I had to close the Yoga Nature studio, I had pushed myself past my capacity for too long and there was no turning back. The gesture my soul needed was a large one, to show it I was indeed listening. I needed rest in a big way, in a way I wasn’t going to be able to get while still operating the yoga studio as I had for so many years. So I made the hard decision to close and move in a new direction.
As with almost all scenarios life presents us, there are also many positives that came from that time of challenge and imbalance. One being this beautiful community of people we are woven into here in Harrisburg. Sometimes in life we need to rev the engine hard for a while and see just what we are made of. In fact, the mistakes and challenges we make are often some of the most potent times of learning about ourselves and our capacities. I have no regrets. And I am at a point in my life where it sounds pretty nice to stop listening to the little dictator in my mind that is always railing against the flow of things trying to make things happen that aren’t in alignment.
What brought me to this thought process was a hard decision that Tara Chickey and I had to make in canceling our planned Sacred Womxn Spiral retreat in the Berkshires for August. We did not get enough people registered to meet our minimums for the space we had rented. It has always been our mantra in offerings together that, “if it is meant to be, all things will flow into place with ease and grace.” I have learned over the years to not take it personally when a workshop or class (or in this case a retreat) I offer isn’t picking up speed. (It took a while to get there though!) Who knows why these things do or do not happen. We can’t know why for sure but I DO have a sneaking suspicion that it not coming into being had a lot to do with me not being in alignment with it.
As many of you know I had a baby last July. (Somehow this little love will be 1years old in a couple weeks!) My biggest challenge has been to accept with grace the new flow of life with a small baby. I am a doer. I like to make things happen, offer classes/workshops/adventures, plan things. I like to dream big. I have been self employed since 2008 and have found that I have to put myself in alignment with what I want to show up in front of me for it to go.
The truth about this retreat is that I was having a hard time envisioning myself there. I didn’t know how we would make it all go with a small, still breastfeeding babe in tow. Reya Moon and I haven’t been away from each other for more than 4 hrs at any point this entire year. I know this sounds silly to mama’s who had to go back to work 6weeks after having their babes. Praise your strength mama’s, I don’t know how you do it and I feel incredibly honored that I have had the opportunity to be home with her so much. The gift of that is not lost on me. And as I have written before, it has been a challenge to integrate the old me with the new me; To accept the me who just simply doesn’t get a lot of time to herself to do things like social media posts, emails to clients, promotional newsletters, and long posts sharing my heart. (This is day 2 of writing this post during nap time! You do what you can with what you’ve got.) I only want to write from a place of inspiration. I only want to offer to others when it feels exciting, vibrant, enriching.
Right now in life going with the flow means being really aware of that pushing, panicky kind of energy and allowing myself to steer clear of any task that feels heavy with pressure to produce. Going with the flow is surrendering to the day and the energies it presents. This does not mean I am totally passive; I still set goals and make to do lists, but I work on letting go of attachment to things unfolding in any particular way so it’s easier to let go when things don’t go as planned. Going with the flow is a peace inside that whispers in my ear, “If it is meant to be, it will be.” It is a new practice and I am excited to explore it and hopefully someday embody it.
What came out of all of this is an offering to womxn that feels powerfully IN alignment. Tara & I will be doing a local weekend healing immersion for womxn out of my bodywork office & studio at The Movement Center in Harrisburg. We will offer much of what we would have at our retreat, but in a format that is accessible to anyone who can’t commit to traveling a distance at that time. And this will give us more time and energy to manifest a distance retreat next year. Italy, we’re looking at you!
Tara & I will also be offering a once a month facilitated womxn’s moon lodge with the first being offered THIS FRIDAY, 5p-7p at my healing office at The Movement Center. Please register by emailing me if you plan to come so we can set up your space in circle and explain how to get in the building.
Take it easy and be with the flow, dear friends.