As I write this post, my daughter Reya Moon is taking her afternoon snooze in the next room. This means I have no idea if I will actually be able to finish this post or if it will continue to sit in my pile of wishful to-do’s awaiting those tiny moments when my full presence is not needed by my baby. This post and the accompanying newsletter I hope to write while she is asleep has been on my “list” since 2 weeks ago when I finalized childcare and the studio rental for my up and coming 4wk Yoga Series starting this Friday.
You see I had hoped to actually promote the class to our mailing list with more than 2 days notice. It is a comical feat this whole “getting things done” with a baby in tow. Don’t get me wrong, it is a joyful time of having life purpose clarified. Being there for my baby, to notice her new expressions, to feed her with my body, to witness her first time rolling over, her first laughs, to behold the magic of her brings tremendous joy and love to my heart that compares to little else. I am certain is the most important place for my attention to rest. And yet anyone who knows me knows that I typically don’t sit idle for very long so sitting down and breastfeeding for many hours of the day has been an adjustment. I was mentally preparing myself for this transition into motherhood while I was pregnant with Reya having witnessed and supported many loves traversing this time of life, but nothing truly prepares you for what the real experience of it will be like once they are earthside with you. I am currently reconciling the old me with the new me. The old me never stops, executes ideas quickly after being inspired, has no problem getting things completed. The new me is drawn in two distinctly opposite directions: To work and offer myself out into the world, to follow my ambition. The other: to tuck into to this precious short time of witnessing my small baby grow and acclimate to this brand new world she has entered and let the rest GO. sighs and then l a u g h t e r, because what else can you do!?
I am not going to lie. There are days when it is frustrating. It’s like the more I hope to accomplish the less she will let me put her down and the more frequently she wants to nurse. Luckily the wise woman in me is getting better and better at surrendering to the present and just simply letting go. Letting go of the piles of laundry, the dirty dishes in the sink, that granola I hoped to bake, the newsletter I wanted to write, the mail I wanted to sort and put away, the closet I wanted to organize. I believe our children come to teach us in whatever ways our spirit most needs sculpting and through that belief I am doing my best to let her have her way with me and to give up the resistance, trusting that this time shall pass and knowing that I would never want to regret missing out on a single moment of this time of connection between us. She is my little teacher on slowing down and being absorbed in the precious simple moment.
This postpartum body is also my teacher of patience and surrender as I learn to navigate its new unfamiliar landscape. Again my mind and heart are drawn in two distinctly opposite directions: One which wants to cry for the stretch marks, the still pudgy soft belly, the unplanned scar tissue from the belly birth I never wanted, the hip that won’t open, the hair that is currently thinning. The other which is so incredibly grateful and in awe of the infinite wisdom and strength of this body that made A HUMAN BEING, birthed her and now is her sole nourishment in the world. Such is life: always the paradox, the pleasure mixed with the pain, the love alongside the confusion, the dark carving out the depths for the light. I am thankful for the many teachers life has sent my way which prepared me to move through this time with grace and humor, but who also taught me to feel it all and to not shy away from the hard stuff, to not push it aside or bury it. I am thankful for the community of magical, beautiful friends and family Misha and I have around us. I am thankful to you for reading this momentary outpour of my heart.
Let love be the anchor for your mind and heart during turbulent times, dear ones. Know you are loved and never alone.
With deep appreciation and BIG Love,